How to Stop Being Defensive: 4 Ways to Overcome Defensiveness
Everyone gets defensive sometimes. If you struggle with frequent defensiveness, here are 3 ways to help you stop being defensive.
Every single person experiences defensiveness. It is part of the human experience as are all other types of emotions. The thing with defensiveness is it creates a lot of conflict in our lives. If we are quick to become defensive and are not willing or able to see through it, our relationships will suffer. Keep reading for tips to help you stop being defensive so often.
Why do we become defensive?
When one perceives a threat, they defend themselves. Our brains are no different. In fact, our brains are designed to prioritize protecting ourselves. This is where defensiveness comes into play.
You may feel defensive when you get feedback at work. You may feel defensive when your partner mentions chores that have not gotten done around the house. You may feel defensive when your friend asks why you were late to dinner.
Defensiveness arises when some of the most painful emotions come up for us such as shame, guilt, sadness, anxiety, and anger. We get defensive because there’s a desire to protect ourselves. Our brain wants to protect us from these painful emotions as well as protect us from the perceived criticism/judgment from others.
Your brain is like “uh oh… shame?! We don’t want to feel shame. So let’s deflect and then we don’t have to!”
So here’s what to do about defensiveness:
1. Accept your defensiveness
Again, becoming defensive is a normal human experience. The first step in being able to take back control from your defensiveness is to be accepting that this emotion will occur at times. Is it a pleasant emotion? Nope. But it is common and does not mean something is wrong with you for feeling defensive at times.
When we push against unpleasant emotions, there is no winning. Ever try not to cry when you are genuinely sad/stressed about something? It’s not easy and does not feel good to resist. Ever try to tell yourself not to feel anxious and hope that works a miracle? Good luck. Same thing with defensiveness. Don’t try to ignore this emotion completely. It’s gonna happen so let’s focus on what to do when it does. You can never completely stop being defensive, but you can greatly increase your ability to overcome this emotion.
2. Practice becoming aware of your defensiveness in the moment
The biggest progress you can make is noticing when you become defensive. Like notice it when it’s actually happening. Defensiveness is such a knee-jerk reaction that it’s easy to miss. And it’s hard to stop before it happens. That’s ok.
With practice, you can retrain your brain to recognize this emotion when it is occurring. Sometimes, naming the defensiveness is all that will be needed to stop being defensive in that moment. You’ll know it’s your brain trying to protect you from a painful thought and be able to set it aside.
Identifying it can help you further understand what about that specific interaction led to the defensiveness. What did what happened or what was said make you feel about yourself? What were you assuming the other person was thinking of you? These questions can give insight into why you were feeling defensive in the first place and work to challenge those thoughts to decrease defensiveness in the future.
3. Acknowledge it and own it - Aloud
Let’s pretend you are having a discussion with a friend or loved one. You’ve been practicing recognizing your defensiveness in the moment and have made progress. Something is said that results in your feeling defensive.
It can be incredibly helpful to tell the other person. Trust me, they will be able to tell when you get defensive. Just imagine how easily you notice it in others. But, by naming it aloud, it helps the other person to know that you are aware of feeling defensive and give some patience while you explain your side of things.
Some statements you can use are:
“I’m feeling defensive because that was not my intention.”
“I’m feeling defensive because I’m worried you think of me poorly.”
“While I know you may not mean it this way, I’m feeling defensive because…”
4. Allow the other person the opportunity to clarify
Please, please, PLEASE for the love of the world, allow other people to clarify what they are saying. This is especially important when feeling defensive.
Repeat after me: “I cannot read minds. I am not a mind reader.”
You’ve accepted the fact that you will experience defensiveness at times. You’ve increased your ability to recognize it in the moment and let the other person know what you are feeling. Now, it’s time to allow the other person to clarify what they said. Give them space and patience to further share what they are thinking or feeling. Ask questions, calmly, if you are still wondering the intent behind the words they used.
About the author:
I am a psychotherapist who specializes in helping millennial and Gen Z women practice healthy communication skills. Overcoming defensiveness can be a main component of being able to have healthy discussions and disagreements with others. I work with clients to identify the self-talk that is leading to their defensiveness and overcome this type of thinking.
If you are in Illinois or Wisconsin, connect with me to see if we may be a good fit to meet your needs and goals. You can also check out my services page to learn more.
