How "Mind Reading" is Making Your Anxiety Worse
There are multiple cognitive distortions that we all suffer from time to time. A big one for anxiety? Mind reading.
Newsflash: You suck at reading minds. We all do.
Imagine this
You’re at Target blissfully wandering the aisles. You see an acquaintance from work and wave. But they didn’t wave back. They must have pretended not to see you. They must think you’re weird.
You text your cousin and ask if they want to grab dinner, They respond “sure.” What does that even mean!? They must not want to go to dinner. They must only be saying “sure” out of pity and obligation.
You pat the couch cushion offering your dog to come sit next to you. You are primed for cuddles. They make eye contact and then choose to lay down elsewhere. They must not want to be around you.
If any of these sound familiar, you may be a mind reader.
Cognitive Distortion: What is mind reading?
Mind reading is when you are convinced that you know what another person is thinking or feeling. You just know with 100% accuracy and there cannot be any other explanation for their behavior. The whole “when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me” thing fits in well here. Furthermore, you also raise your anxiety levels, but more on that later.
Mind reading is one of several cognitive distortions that can wreak havoc on our wellbeing. It’s a thought pattern that tends to repeat itself if we do not actively try to break the cycle. The more you mind read and believe what you are thinking, the more your brain is going to engage in mind reading. Your brain assumes you find it helpful so it keeps at it.
Why do we mind read?
Humans are communicators. We want to connect with others and we use verbal and nonverbal communication signals to do so. We’ll analyze words, facial expressions, posture, eye contact, and more. We can tell someone is annoyed when they roll their eyes. A raised voice tells us there’s more emotion in what the other person is saying; maybe excitement or anger depending on the context.
Our brains are hardwired to take in this information from others and help us communicate effectively. In this manner, these tiny moments of mind reading are essential and healthy. It becomes a problem when our mind reading is overly negative and when we are less willing to consider other explanations for someone’s behavior.
For the anxious brain, attempting to mind read is supposedly helpful… from anxiety’s perspective that is. Anxiety hates uncertainty. Like, really hates it. So, anxiety will try to fill in the blanks. To your anxious brain, assuming something is better than knowing nothing. Because of this, your brain will make something up. And if you aren’t in the greatest headspace to begin with, your brain will respond accordingly.
Your brain is more likely to assume that the coworker who didn’t respond to your wave was purposefully ignoring you rather than maybe just didn’t see you. It’s more likely to think that your cousin who said “sure” about dinner doesn’t really want to go to dinner with you rather than maybe your cousin is looking forward to it.
If you are having an off day/week/month, your brain may be in a more negative headspace on a regular basis. When this happens, it will view new information, events, and interactions with this anxious lens. As a result, your mind reading may just get worse over time.
How mind reading makes anxiety worse
Not only can your mind reading get worse over time, but your anxiety can be directly affected by frequent mind reading as well.
Let’s consider the following chart:
- You are having an off day. Maybe that means you’re feeling anxious, low mood, stressed, or just not yourself. These are the days you are most likely to get trapped by unhelpful thinking patterns. Your brain is already tired and will likely view things differently than it would if you were in a better headspace.
- Something happens. Remember the examples at the beginning of this post? The trigger for mind reading could be anything.
- Text you get (or don’t get) back.
- Facial expressions someone makes.
- Two people whispering nearby.
- Your brain tries to mind read. This is your brain attempting to make sense of whatever it is you found stressful. There’s something your brain doesn’t know and it decides it needs to fill in the blank.
- Your brain assumes the worst about the situation. Because you are already stressed, your brain is more likely to assume something negative about the situation.
- That text response (or lack thereof) means they are mad at me.
- The facial expression was about how they find me annoying.
- Those two people must be talking about me. And likely making fun of me.
- You’re left feeling anxious. None of those mind reading thoughts feel good to think. They all give you a negative view of the world around you. This leaves you feeling more anxious than you already were. Your brain is now more likely to continue to view things more negatively.
The cycle then repeats itself. For someone really struggling with anxious thoughts, this cycle can repeat several times a day. This is especially true for social anxiety which often involves worries about what other people may be thinking of you. It certainly takes a toll.
How to stop mind reading
Repeated, negative mind reading is a cycle that needs to be broken and therapy can help you get there.
Some helpful tips for reducing mind reading:
- Admit you are mind reading. No matter how well you know a person, you simply cannot know with 100% certainty what they are thinking.
- Acknowledge your mood for the day. If you have overly negative mind reading thoughts, think about your current headspace. Sometimes saying “I’m seeing this negatively because I’m feeling down today” can be a helpful step.
- Think of at least 1 other possible explanation for the person’s behavior. The short text message you received back? Is that because they are mad at you? Or could it be they are having a bad day themselves, completely unrelated to you? Could they be busy? Could the tone of the text message have been meant with excitement and not annoyance as you read it?
There are times we aren’t even aware that we are mind reading. A therapist is trained to listen to your thoughts and be on alert for any cognitive distortions that make an appearance, including mind reading.
Want help overcoming mind reading?
I’m a psychotherapist who specializes in helping women combat unhelpful thinking patterns such as mind reading. If you are in Illinois or Wisconsin, connect with me to see if we may be a good fit to meet your needs and goals. You can also check out my services page to learn more.
