How to Validate Someone

Validation plays a crucial role in our relationships. Here are practical tips to help you become better at validating someone you care about.

If you often hear “you’re not listening” or “you don’t understand,” increasing your ability to validate someone can help.

What is validation?

Validation is communicating to another person that their emotions are heard, accepted, and make sense to you. You are working to see how their emotions make sense based on the particular situation and that individual’s perspective. You then want to communicate your level of understanding to them.

5 steps to validate someone

Here are 5 steps to validate someone else’s emotions:

1. Listen to what they are saying

Pay attention while they are speaking to you. Like really pay attention. Don’t be thinking about what you are going to say next. Don’t be thinking about all the ways you could solve their problems. Listen to them. This will help you with step 2.

Let’s use an example to walk us through these steps: You had plans with your sister to go to dinner tonight. You had a stressful day at work and are no longer feeling up to dinner. You tell your sister you need to cancel and can pick another day to get together. Your sister lets you know that she is upset.

2. Identify what is valid about their emotions

What about what they are sharing makes sense to you? I’m not asking what you agree with. Rather, what makes sense? 

For example, you may not agree that cancelling your dinner plans with your sister is a big deal. Afterall, you need a night to yourself. Still, it makes sense for a person to be bummed when they are unable to do something they were looking forward to.

3. Communicate your understanding back to them

You want to let them know that you are listening. Reflect back to them what you heard them share. What were their main points? 

Example:

You could tell your sister, “You’re upset that I cancelled our dinner because you were looking forward to it.”

4. Be open to them clarifying or correcting your understanding

You are not a mind reader. And, that is ok. You will not be able to accurately paraphrase someone every single time. Your job is to be open to them correcting you. It’s not that you did a bad job listening. It means they may need to further explain what they are experiencing.

Example:

You: “You’re upset that I cancelled our dinner plans because you were looking forward to it.”

If you hit the nail on the head, your sister might respond as follows:

Sister: “Yes I was looking forward to it. I really needed an evening out.”

However, if you slightly misunderstood your sister’s main point, she may say something like the following to clarify:

Sister: “Well I’m actually more upset because I feel everyone has been cancelling plans on me lately. I’m feeling a bit lonely.”

If they seem to be getting frustrated by you being unable to read their mind. Try acknowledging (i.e. validating) that frustration:

• “I know I’m not fully understanding you yet. I’d like to as much as I can. Can you explain more to me?”
• “I’m sure it’s frustrating to repeat yourself. I’d like to understand what you are going through and I don’t mind hearing you explain it again.”

5. Repeat steps 1-4

If the person has clarified something for you, repeat the steps to be sure you are now understanding as much as you can. Feel free to even say “Am I understanding you correctly?”

Say this, not that when validating

There are certain phrases we often use that can hinder the validation you are trying to convey. Here are simple switches that can make a big difference.

“And” vs. “But”

According to Merriam-Webster, the word “but” is “used to introduce a statement that adds something to a previous statement and usually contrasts with it in some way.”

If you say something that is meant to validate someone, you don’t want to immediately contrast what you just said. DON’T SAY “BUT” if you are wanting to validate them. Instead, try using “and” when you are validating someone’s feelings. “And” indicates that two things can be true at the same time.

Example:

But: “Ugh, feeling lonely sucks, but I had a hard day at work so I need to pick another evening to get dinner together.”

By using “but” you just made your sister feel as though you don’t care that she’s feeling lonely. It comes off like your feelings are more important than hers. Yet, you do care about her feelings, so let’s communicate that to her.

And: “Ugh, feeling lonely sucks, and I had a hard day at work so I need to pick another evening to get dinner together.”

By saying “and,” you are acknowledging that BOTH her feelings about loneliness AND your need to set a boundary are true. It’s a small switch and a powerful one (see what I did there?).

“I can only imagine” vs. “I understand”

It is impossible to 100% understand what another person is going through, feeling, or thinking. While you are trying to gain a level of understanding, you do not fully understand them. Saying “I understand what you’re going through” can definitely trigger the other person to become more upset. You’ll likely hear them respond with “no you don’t” if you use that line.

Instead, try using some of the following phrases:

• “I can only imagine…”
• “I’d like to try to understand as much as I can.”
• “I’ve been through something similar and I wonder if you might be feeling how I did.”

“It'll be ok” vs. “That sucks”

When we say “it’ll be ok” we are trying to be helpful. However, it can be unhelpful because it invalidates what the other person is experiencing at the moment. They may know that it’ll be ok in the long run. Yet, they are needing you to acknowledge how they are feeling right now. Try the following:

• “That sucks.”
• “That’s horrible.”
• “Ugh.”
• “That sounds really difficult/annoying/frustrating.”

Things to remember when you validate someone’s feelings

Here are some additional items to keep in mind as you work on your validation skills.

What is invalidating/validating to one person may not be to another

As you practice validating others, you may learn that some methods work best with some people in your life and not others.

Just because you intend to validate does not guarantee you will

Only the other person can decide if they feel validated. Your job is to try and be willing to ask them what they are needing from you.

We don’t have to agree with someone to validate them

Find what makes sense about their emotions.

You don’t have to give up your boundaries to validate someone

ValidValidation is not about doing what the other person wants. It's acknowledging how they feel. You are still entitled to your boundaries and decisions. This is where “and'' instead of “but” is definitely useful.

Acknowledge their point of view

Consider how they might be feeling. Try to put yourself in their shoes. If you were going through the same thing, could you see how their emotions make sense? Can you relate at all to their point of view?

Do not jump to problem solving

You need to validate before you offer any solutions to the person’s problem. In fact, many times the other person isn’t even wanting help with a solution, they just want validation. If you do get to the point of helping them problem solve, try wording your suggestions with “I wonder if xyz would be helpful.” This allows the conversation about solutions to take place without it appearing as though you are assuming you have all the perfect answers.

Example:

Instead of: “We can have dinner another night.”

Try: “I wonder if you’d be up to picking another night to go to dinner.”

If the other person gives push back to you offering problem solving, own it! You can say, “I’m sorry, I was jumping to problem solving. I need to listen to you. Tell me more.”

Be aware of defensiveness

One of the easiest ways to invalidate someone is to get defensive and make it about you. Using our earlier example of cancelling dinner with your sister, you could get defensive at your sister when she shares her disappointment and you could lash out at her. Or, you could say “It’s a bummer, I was looking forward to dinner too, and I really need a night at home to recover from my stressful day.”

Want help practicing how to validate someone else’s emotions?

I’m a psychotherapist who specializes in helping individuals improve their interpersonal communication skills. If you are in Illinois or Wisconsin, connect with me to see if we may be a good fit to meet your needs and goals. You can also check out my services page to learn more.