How to Help Social Anxiety at Holiday Gatherings

Learn how to help social anxiety at holiday gatherings with these 3 therapist tips. You’ll have a plan in place to actually tell your social anxiety where it can stick it.

The holiday season is upon us. That means delicious food, cheerful music, and planning gifts for all your loved ones. It also means large gatherings and gatherings with people you don’t see that often. Enter your social anxiety. 

If there’s one thing my clients hear from me over and over again, it’s that your social anxiety will never get better by continuing to cater to it’s every demand.

Social anxiety wants you to avoid and avoid and avoid. It wants you to stay home, not talk to people, and crawl in a hole everytime you think you did something awkward.

Although it provides temporary relief, avoidance actually makes your anxiety worse in the long run. Your brain never learns that these situations and feelings do not need to be avoided. So it keeps freaking out each time. I like to call avoidance a band-aid. Social anxiety is a deep wound. A band-aid won’t cut it. 

That being said, I am 100% for easing into it. I encourage my clients to go at a pace that is realistic for them and that can look different for each person. One person may be ready to just rip off all the band-aids and dive into a pool of social anxiety to learn to swim. Another person might start by wetting the band-aid in hopes it comes off easier at a later time. Both options are ok. But just relying on the band-aid will not help you.

1. Plan a social anxiety thought challenge for the holiday gathering

Ask yourself, “what am I afraid is going to happen?” and “How likely is this to happen?” and “What’s the worst that would happen if it does?” This will help you identify the exact fear so you can challenge it.

You may think: Someone could ask me how work is and I stumble over my words. I could walk in the door and everyone is in the middle of conversation and I end up awkwardly interjecting a “hello.” Will people judge me? Where should I sit? Will I look awkward? Can everyone tell I’m anxious?

First, write down at least one thought challenge statement (or more). Next, have this on a tiny piece of paper or better yet, save it to a note app on your phone. Then, when you are in the moment of being down a socially anxious rabbit hole and you’re having a hard time getting out of it, you can pull out this list of thought challenges and read them off to yourself. 

By writing it down ahead of time, you are helping your future self who may be too anxious to think of a helpful thought challenge for those debilitating socially anxious thoughts.

Examples may include:

• “Everyone stumbles over their words sometimes. It’s not a big deal.”
• “No one is judging me. People are focused on the party.”
• “I am having an anxious thought. It does not make it true.”

If you need help learning how to challenge your anxious thoughts, read my blog post all about it here.

2. Have some helpful coping strategies ready to go

What do you find helpful in a moment of social anxiety? And by that I mean other than running away back to your solitude. Think of ways to calm your body and your mind when your brain is jumping down the social anxiety rabbit hole. I’ve shared some ideas below.

Act as though you are not anxious. Send a message to your brain that your body is calm and there is nothing to be anxious about in this situation. This may include:

• Breathing calmly. Take several, slow, deep breaths.
• Be mindful of how you are sitting or standing. Uncross your legs and arms. Sit in a more open position. Feet flat on floor and hands resting calmly on your lap (palms up). Practice this as you are reading this. Notice how this is a peaceful position.

Disengage from your socially anxious thoughts by focusing on the moment. Do a mini-mindfulness check-in with yourself when you feel the social anxiety taking over.

• Name 3 things you can feel without moving. This may be your hair resting against your face, the sleeve of your shirt around your wrist, and your back against the chair you are sitting in.
• Notice the sensation of your feet touching the ground.
• Take a bite or a drink of something and focus on the sensations you experience: flavor, temperature, and sweet vs salty.

3. Pick one way you are going to step outside your social anxiety comfort zone at the holiday gathering

There is no challenging your anxious thoughts without also challenging your socially anxious behaviors. You won’t find enough healing by just doing one. You have to do both. This is where you can go at the pace you are ready for.

So, how do you challenge socially anxious behaviors? First, you need to identify what behaviors you engage in. This may include:

• Standing in the corner.
• Purposefully trying to leave without saying goodbye.
• Giving one word answers and not engaging in the conversation.

Next, think of how you can push your comfort zone just a bit. Whatever feels right for you and where you are on your social anxiety journey. For example:

• When I walk in the door, I will say “Hi everyone,” even if people are talking.
• I will ask someone else 2 questions about themselves during a conversation.
• I will sit amongst the group rather than gravitating towards the kitchen.

Lastly, combine your behavior challenges with thought challenges. Your social anxiety is not going to like you challenging it. When you do a behavior challenge, it is normal to feel anxious during it. Have your thought challenges ready so you can coach yourself through them. For example:

• Behavior challenge: When I walk in the door, I will say “Hi everyone,” even if people are talking. Thought challenge: I can remind myself “It’s not interrupting to give a quick hi. Everyone does it and it’s a normal social interaction.”

You are now ready to take on social anxiety and take a step towards healing!

About the author:

I am a psychotherapist who specializes in working with millennial and Gen Z women to overcome their social anxiety. I teach women to identify how their social anxiety impacts their lives and what their social anxiety demands from them. We then work together to practice how to retrain their brain to lessen their social anxiety over time. You can do this! If you are in Illinois or Wisconsin, connect with me to see if we may be a good fit to meet your needs and goals. You can also check out my services page to learn more.